Irvine's Mind
by Jason Tandro
Summary: Okay, so I've changed things a bit.  This is now a collection of classic Irvine moments done from his POV.  Even in the somber moments of the game, it's a comedy.
1. Chapter 1: First Meeting

Irvine's Mind

By Jason Tandro

Wow, I wonder what Martine wants with me. Who are those guys? They look like SeeD. Oh, this must be that assassination mission that Martine briefed me about. Okay let's see who we got here.

The leader looks pretty cool. He could lose the out of fashion jacket, but if he can really use that gunblade he's officially on my cool list.

Um, the other guy. Well, he's uh… yeah, next.

Ooh, I like the blonde one. Gonna use that whip on me babe? Gonna let me use it on you? Okay get serious… glasses. Intellectual type. Probably a very good fighter. Maybe a better teacher. Gonna teach me a lesson. Dammit! Don't go there! Next person.

Hmmm, blue dress, and long black hair. Isn't that the girl from that Timber resistance group. That dog next to her looks pretty big. He would probably bite me if I tried anything on her. Next person…

Oh, she's cute. What is she, fifteen or sixteen? Please be sixteen, that would be so cool if you were sixteen. Oh come on man. I mean, what are you gonna do, are you gonna walk up to her after killing the sorceress and be all like 'so do you wanna mount me?'. Get a grip.

Then again what is a cowboy without a nice girl. Or a nice damsel in distress. Dammit! Don't picture them tied up. The last thing you need is your other gun at full salute. Just look at the gay guy again, that'll stop it.

Oh god what if it doesn't? What if I think… no! I'm not gay dammit! Just because I like gardening and butterflies, doesn't make me a fairy. Okay, well now I gotta look at the girls to prove I'm not gay.

But dammit! I'm right here next to Martine, I can't do anything…. I hope that blonde girl hits me to get my mind off of this crap. Or spanks me. Dammit!


	2. Chapter 2: Train Ride

Okay this group seems pretty cool. I mean sure they're from Balamb Garden which is full of rookies, but since they're in SeeD they must be quite distinguished. I kind of wonder what they did to get noticed.

That leader guy, Squall, I can tell he's a bad ass. He's got that loner thing going on. And Zell, well he's obviously gay or questioning. That's cool, I'm fine with his lifestyle. More women for me.

And speaking of which… I wonder who I should hit on. Well I mean I could go for all of them, but… I have to say I'm really a one-woman man. Per night. Heheheh! Okay get serious, now let's think here.

The obvious choice is Rinoa. Dark hair, young, and a killer rack. But she's also got that annoying idealism that would probably drive me nuts. Then again, I don't really care about her talking. But I bet she's the type that will want you to court her and I'd have to listen to at least three dates of liberal babble.

Selphie would probably give it up on the first date, but she's a little young for me. Well is she? I mean she is old enough to be in SeeD. Plus she drips cuteness. She probably likes kitties… maybe she dresses like kitties! Ooh. A cat in bed. That means black leather. I'm not really into leather though, I mean let's get real. I wonder what she's into?

Well I can tell that Quistis is into bondage. I mean who uses a whip as a serious weapon? I'm into bondage too, but my concern is that she might want to tie me up. I don't do that. Or do I? I'm still young, hell I'm a try-sexual. Maybe I'd let her. But no, she's a teacher. She'd probably be as strict as… well then again strict isn't a bad thing.

So who do I choose? Rinoa, Selphie or Quistis? Damn it's tough. Okay okay, let's try Selphie first. She's looking out the train window and singing. Oh yeah, that's totally her. So do you wanna find a cabin and… No I can't just say that to her. Dammit, here's Squall, abort abort abort!

That was close. Oh look who's in this cabin with me. Little miss Mistress herself. Better not hit on her. She's got that "mission" look. Maybe I could help her loosen up though. Ah, no. Let's go look for Rinoa.

Here she is. What the heck? She's asleep. This is the perfect opportunity! No, I couldn't do that. I mean I love women, but I have my morals. Don't I? I mean I thought I did, but if I really am an immoral person, who am I to fight destiny? Okay, one little feel. Just reach slowly and, there we go. Ooh soft. Crap! Oh, good morning Rinoa.

Ow! Ouch! Dammit! Oh! It was an accident! Ow! Probably! Ow!


	3. Chapter 3: Assassination

Oh man. There's Edea right there. One shot and I can end this madness. Oh yeah, I can show off for Rinoa. She'll be all like "oh, my hero." Yeah, I'm cool. All I gotta do is pull the trigger.

Wait a minute. Edea, while she's evil, is a woman. I can't harm women. Well, I can't kill women at least. You know I wonder if that makes me abusive? What if they want- dammit Irvine focus!

Okay. The grates are shut and now I can take this… wait a minute. How can I do it? It's not right to kill somebody. Especially when I could just go to her place and "reason" with her. She's a sorceress. She must be electrifying in bed. And you know she's a tramp, look at that skimpy dress she's wearing.

Oh for crying out loud, Irvine! The whole world is depending on you to take this shot. And Rinoa's right there, too. And Quistis and Selphie are across the way looking at me. Oh yeah, I'll be the big hero. Maybe the girls will take turn rewarding me. Or maybe all at once. No! Irvine come on, what are you waiting for, just take the stupid shot.

Uh oh, Squall's looking at me. I better give him some bull story about how I can't handle the pressure. That'll buy time. Oh great now he's giving me a stupid pep-talk. Like I need advice from a guy who doesn't have the guts to try and jump any of the three hotties in his squad.

Okay, I better go ahead and take the shot. Just focus. Breath in deeply, and slowly pull the trigger. Bang! What the heck?! She deflected the bullet. Oh my, so dangerous. And yet so sexy. Beautiful but deadly.

Wait a minute, am I turned on by the idea of a dangerous woman? I always thought I was a top, but maybe this means I could be both. Or maybe I like the idea of a challenge. What? Oh yeah Squall, I know I did my best. You try firing a bullet at that pretty, but eerie face.

I wonder what Squall is. No wait, scratch that. It's not right for one dude to think about another dudes standpoints. Hmm, standing. That's interesting. Okay, just go fight the sorceress. Maybe she'll take you prisoner.

Man, I am messed up. It must be the pressure.


	4. Chapter 4: The Desert Prison

Okay I'm doing the right thing. I mean General Caraway did order me to escort Rinoa home. I wish she'd stop yapping about going back to free the others though. Although I bet it must be hell for the guys inside. Yeah.

Selphie's probably chained to the wall, getting beat up by guards. That breaks my heart. I mean, come on, that's MY job! Wow. I've reached a new low. I think I should seek professional help or something.

And I mean maybe I should go back and bust them out. Then again, I'd rather not take on the Galbadia Army considering that I attend Galbadia Garden.

And it's not like I've completely lost everything. I've got Rinoa. Here. Alone. With me. In a nice car. Maybe we just breakdown for a bit and I get her mind off the others. Oh wait, don't jinx it. Maybe we breakdown for real, in the middle of the desert.

Maybe we hike for miles in the blazing heat. Oh, maybe Rinoa gets so hot she starts taking her clothes off. Maybe she'll be sweating. Ugh, why does that turn me on?!

God she is a talker though. I knew it. All ideals, no brains.

Maybe I should gag her, and I'm not talking sexually.

Ow! What the hell? Why'd she hit me? Oh my god! We're spinning outta control! Holy crap!

Phew. That was close. Stupid Rinoa, these things spin if you try to turn them. Okay, you know what, maybe we should go back. I mean, after all, I would like to see what kind of restraints the other two are in.


	5. Chapter 5: Missile Base

Holy crap! I can't believe how annoying this uniform is. And to think, I was training for a job where I would wear this every day! Not much room for Little Irvine either. I'm surprised these guys all don't sound like chipmunks.

Okay, so we disarm the missiles, blow up the place and leave. Sounds easy enough. And what's better is I get to show off my skills in front of the two lovely ladies Quistis and Selphie. I mean it's ashame that Galbadia doesn't have female-specific uniforms like SeeD. Yeah, a tight steel bustier and a miniskirt. Instead of a helmet have a leather headband. Quistis could make it work. I don't think Selphie could. She's more of a bunny girl than an army girl.

Ow! Dammit! I forgot how cramped these pants are dammit! Okay, just focus on the mission or a crotch-bear trap will be your reward…

Hey, this looks like the main control room. I bet we could set the place to detonate from here and take out the missiles in one fell swoop. I mean we already set the error ratio to Maximum on the computer down there. Uh-oh. That guy's an Elite Soldier. We'd better play this just right.

Oh crap! Selphie that's the wrong salute! Dammit! I guess we got this far without being noticed. BLAM! Down you go! I'm such a badass. Alright now let's find the controls here. Hmm… could it be this big red button labeled "Do Not Push"? Oh crap. That's the missile launcher. Um… if anyone asks, I'll just say they must have launched them before we got here. Sorry Squall. Oh crap! Sorry Rinoa!!! Zell… eh, it sucks to be you.

Okay, self-destruct is set, let's get the hell outta here. A backdoor. Hey that's convenient!

It's good to see the sun again. Oh my god. That's a really big machine. Hey I'm proud. I didn't make a penis joke. Okay. Let's take this thing down. BOOM! BLAM! SHA-FUNG-KU-BOP-BLAMMY! And it's over. What the hell is sha-fung-ku-bop-blammy? Oh well. You can't be a badass all the time.

You gotta be kidding me! They locked the door. Oh dammit! This is the end! I'm too young and hung to die! Maybe I can convince one of these girls to give it up before they die. Probably Selphie, nobody wants to die a virgin. She's opening the machine's door. Hey I think she has the same idea as me! Alright!!!!! Oh… she just wants to live. Yeah I guess the titanium will protect us… At least dying my way was fun…


	6. Chapter 6: Trabia Garden

So, we all knew each other? I don't understand it… I mean how could we possibly forget something that was such a huge part of our life? Could it really be the fault of the GF? Maybe it's because I live in the moment. Wow. It really makes you think. Maybe I've been wasting my life. Maybe I do objectify women too much. Maybe there's more to my life than girls and guns…

My my, Selphie is looking especially cute today. Must be because she's cold. Looks like the girls are in full salute. What was I just thinking about? Oh well. So Sorceress Edea was our matron huh? So she was basically a babysitter? I wonder if we gave her hell. I wonder if I ever gave her hell. I wonder if I was naughty and tied her to a chair.

I really do have a pretty serious bondage fetish. I wonder why? I mean what girl would want to escape me? Yeah back to earth, buddy this is serious. Whoa. Great now I got a mental image of Edea. Oooh, even better. A mental image of selphie. And maybe I took a pillowcase and shoved it in her mouth…

Oh god! Zell! Get out of there! What the hell man?! Ugh!

I need a shower right now.

So we grew up on Centra and we all got sent to Garden, except Rinoa. I wonder if there's a significance to that or not. I don't really get it. All I know is that after that little Fisherman's Horizon stunt Rinoa is off limits. I mean I like Squall, and I want him to be happy, he's my friend. I'm not gonna deprive him of that fine young woman. But I guess that does limit my options. Quistis and Selphie. Mistress or slave. Not that I know for sure, but come on. One is like bossy, bossy, bossy, and the other is boss me, boss me, boss me. Plus the whole preppy cuteness. Then again she could have a darkside. I bet that'd be fun.

Hey, it's snowing. How about that. Maybe it'll warm up and start raining. That'd feel great. And Selphie would be wet. Heheh. Hey everyone's leaving. What'd I miss?


	7. Chapter 7: Garden Attack

Oh this is not good! There are soldiers everywhere! Why the hell did Squall tell Quistis, Rinoa and I to go to basically the front line! Not that I mind the company….

Hey now! Let's be reasonable! Come on you're in the middle of an attack. There's so much depending upon you right now Irvine, you gotta be stro- ooh boobies. No no! Stop it!

Shit here comes a squad! Alright guys let's show these girls what we got! KABOOM BLAM! POW POW. RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT! PSSSSSSH BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM! EEEEEEE, EEEEEEE, BOOM BOOM, NENENENENENENENENENENENE BOOSH!

Oh yeah! I'm so freakin' cool right now. Later you half-machine, half-human ruin the game by looking the strongest and being the weakest freaks! Okay so we gotta think now. They're coming in from the Quad. We'll head them off at the pass.

Man the Quad is pretty messed up right now. The sky is covered in paratroopers. And that other Garden looks really big right now… Shit we're going to crash! Hang on girls!

Hang on too the girls. Good excuse. Fall on Quistis… hehe.

What the hell? Rinoa! Damn it she's falling over the edge! Oh my god. What? Oh she caught a rock, thank god. But I've got to get Squall!

Move it, move it, move it. No time for perversion, I've got to get Squall to help! You know I probably could have lowered Quistis' whip and pulled her up, but this is more interesting. Besides I bet loverboy wants a chance to show his cojones. [For the Spanish-impaired, it's pronounced CA-hone-es. Not Cajuns.

Okay, he's going to save her. I'd like to see how he does it. Oooh. Now it's just me and Xu. How interesting. Nida's here too, but he ain't important. Come on, I know you want some Xu. A little shake-n-bake. A little horizontal mambo. A little bedsheet Olympiad? A little overdone? I think so, she's leaving…


	8. Chapter 8: Esthar

Okay what the hell is this. Oh it's a massive rip in the space-time continuum. Cause we totally see those everyday. It's nice that Edea's all friendly now, her sorcery powers come in handy. Okay it's a door to Esthar, that explains it. I was wondering why this massive dried up salt lake was supposed to be a country.

Ooh, Edea's climbing up first. I'll go next. Nice view. I could stand here all day. That skin-tight dress is just yum. Hey! Don't push Squall. What an asshole. What an ass. Hehehe. I made a pun.

Okay this door thingy is a little creepy. How come we're in a massive chamber of death looking thing. This reminds me of a cheesy horror flick I saw once. The girl usually gets stripped mostly naked before the end. I say, bring on the monsters.

Okay, and we've reached a dead end. This is lovely. Whoa. Whoa! Hold on a minute! Why is this platform moving? Aaaaaaaaaah! Why is this platform falling? Oh well. Take one last minute of your life to look at Edea's skirt blowing up. Huh? That's funny, the wind should be causing it to kick up.

Oh, it's an elevator. I knew that. Heheh. I'm smart.

This seems a little out of it, you know? Massive electronic future-world just happens to sit in the middle of a continent that people have pretty much forgotten surrounded by a massive fence. It seems a little off. Okay and the big floating elevator is taking us towards this massive palace. Nice.

So this is where Dr. Odine lives? Seems like a nice place to raise a family. As long as you are okay with heights. Which I'm not. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


	9. Chapter 9: Space

Whoa, where the hell did this come from? Why am I in a beach house? Who cares, man. It's alright. Oh my, is that Rinoa? In a swimsuit? Sweet. And Quistis is over there in the pool. In a thong, oh yeah! Who's that grabbing my shoulder. Oh my goodness it is wet t-shirt Selphie! Mmm, commando wet t-shirt Selphie.

What's that. She wants to play tag? Okay. We're playing tag now! Better run! I'm gonna get you! Okay… okay seriously stop running so fast. Okay, I'm a little out of breath now. Please stop… dying. Not good with the running and the fastness…

Oh man, I'm gonna fall. I fell. This sand feels nice. It feels kind of like a bed. Like a hospital bed. Or like a bed in a life pod. A life pod? No… more like a spaceship of somekind.

This is a dream. Damn it, I'm awake now. What's all that bumping? Is this natural? Oh man. We must be in this space station now. Damn it! I want to go back to sleep. Continuation!

Oh okay fine. There's a whole lot of clanging. What the hell is going on? AAAAAAAAAH! They should give you a warning before they shoot you out of a pod into a zero-gravity environment!

Hey this feels kind of good. Say Selphie, do you wanna join the several thousand mile high club? I bet it feels weird though. That's an important question, if there is no "up" in space, can you not get it up? Well there's no "down" either. Space shrinkage? Ah I don't care.

Ow! Should have paid attention, to him when he said they were going to simulate gravity. That really hurt. Okay, and we're walking. Ellone has gotta be here somewhere. You know, I know I've been dreaming about Ellone as a little girl, but she's all grown up now. Ah, don't try it. She's the Presidents daughter.

Ooh forbidden love. That's a nice angle. Wait. I feel like I've thought this before… naw, never mind.


	10. Chapter 10: Ultimecia's Castle

So this is it. The final battle. We have to fight Ultimecia and save our world, or else perish in the realm of Time Compression. I never did get what that meant. Time Compression? Like the past, present and future all together? Then I wonder if somewhere in here I can see all of my relatives. My Great Granddaddy Phinneas Kinneas, the horrible drunkard. My Uncle Daniel Kinneas who fought for Galbadia to make all Galbadians free. [Authors Note: If you don't get the reference, don't ask.

My question is, how does this woman have a massive castle in the middle of nowhere if Time is supposed to be Compressed into one? I guess she hired every contractor that ever lived to build it for her. Still, I'm surprised she got it done so quick. I like the chains. It's a nice touch. It must have been built by giant men who lived in the future. Or past. I forget how this thing works.

And this interior is something else, now that I've walked in. Hey? What's up? I can't use any of my spells or skills! It must be because of the Time Compression. Or maybe it's a sorcery seal. Well it seems like the logical action is to take out every enemy in the castle.

Okay this first one looks pretty simplistic. What's with that face. It looks like a mix between a tiger and a kabuki player. Oh well. KABOOM! BLAM! Alright down you go! Hey, now I can use my GF again. That's convenient.

Okay, cross this catwalk and. AAAH! Crap, it's a chandelier. Well, was a chandelier. Now it's broken. Oh well. Might as well see what's underneath this trapdoor! Flier! Crap another monster alright then! BOOM BABY! Hahaha. I am so damned cool. Alright, now we can use Magic again.

Now you two gents and Rinoa can stand on that switch while Quistis, Selphie and I go take care of whatever is beyond that catwalk. Oh, it's an ice monster. Well you know what I say to that right? FLARE! Ooh, It's all wet now. Heheh. Cold and wet Quistis and Selphie. Hey, I can Draw again.

Okay so we're going around now to this corridor. It's covered in paintings. Wow, they're pretty. I can't read the language, but that doesn't matter. Um. I wonder what this big one is. Hey, it looks like a messenger sleeping in a garden. What the heck? Monster! Draw Meltdown! BLAM! This monster hunting is so friggin stupid. I can Limit Break again? Okay that's awesome because I'm so sick of this!

Ooh, a monster hiding in a coffin? PULSE AMMO! BAAAAM! You're dead. Items back, who cares because I'm gonna find this weird thing hiding in an Armory. PULSE AMMO! BAAAM! Another one bites the dust. Command Actions back, I couldn't care less. A dragon that looks like Bahamut? I don't give a rats ass. PULSE AMMO! BAAAAM! Alright, nice nice. Ressurection back. That's handy. There's still one more enemy to defeat and then we'll be back to normal.

Hey this is a nice dungeon. What the heck? The door sealed shut behind us? We're trapped in here. Wow Selphie seems to be admiring those chains on the wall. Say Selphie, since we're probably gonna die anyways… I'm proud of you Irvine. No situation is so dire that you can't still have perverted thoughts.

Whoa! That's a big giant! We kill him, grab the key and get outta here. KABOOM! Alright then, now we can save and challenge the final boss. Wow, that's interesting. Like an out of game experience.

Okay, this is it. Ultimecia. You know what? It's Irvine time.

Utlimecia, you don't wanna destroy the world. You just need a little companionship. Maybe I can show you what you need. Heheh. Oh fine, summon a giant lion faced GF to shut me up. That's uncalled for. And I thought we were getting along.

Excuse me, fangy, did you just blow up my magic stock? PULSE AMMO! BAAM! Fuck you! Now, where were we? Oh so you're going to junction yourself to your GF. Yeah, lady that'll land you a husband real quick. Get her Squall!

Alright! That's it! No more fighting. Just glorious unseen post-game orgy. Wait a minute… something's not right here…

Okay giant, faceless lady in the middle of the void. That's definitely gotta be our final boss. Well I know when my skills are needed. Draw Apocalypse. Cast Apocalypse. And down you go. That's right bitch, don't mess with the bull or you get the horns.

So it's over. Say Selphie. Do you like the beach? You do? It's a happy ending after all.


End file.
